Scott Rogers' Annual Dinner speech
Scott Rogers' annual dinner speech is reproduced in full below.
"Good evening Mr President, Mr Chairman, honoured guests, ladies and gentlemen, Vice Presidents, kind sponsors, boys and girls.
This being my third year incarcerated as captain of Rowington's 1st XI I thought it was about time you got fully acquainted with those that I am incarcerated with. During the season I took them to one side and asked each member of the team 11 questions that you might see in any player profile interview. Please try to remember these questions as best as you can, as it will help you with their most original answers.
1. Vital statistics – what is your name, age and weight?
2. What is your specialist role within the team?
3. What is your most successful moment playing for Rowington?
4. What is your favourite food?
5. What sportsman would you most like to aspire to and why?
6. What is your ideal night out?
7. If you won the lottery big what would be your first purchase?
8. What is your worst habit?
9. If you could replace a current England cricketer with yourself, who would it be and why?
10. Tell me something about yourself that no other member of the team knows
11. How long is it and how many times a month? This was a two part question of which I only gave them this part and left it to their considerable imaginations to answer, the full question being – how long is a cricket pitch and how many times a month do you play on it?
So roughly in batting order here are their own all star player profiles. Of course, in a format that some of you will now be accustomed to.
Will the players please stand briefly when they hear their name
Alex Smith at 35 and unsure of how many stone
Is not a man to gripe and moan
To get the team off to the best possible start
Chasing down 296 against Henley is high on his chart
He loves a curry and Roger Federer he admires in life
A few beers with the lads, a curry and home to the wife
He’d buy his daughter something huge with a big lottery win
Passing wind uncontrollably is his ultimate sin
Out would go Alastair Cook 'cause playing for yourself is not what you do
He’s a big fan of Blake's 7 and a groupie for Dr Who
Its 10” long and to use it less than 20 times a month would be rare
And that means Helen’s got a big smile on her face or he’s having an affair.
Clive Haywood at 43 and a very round 14 stone
Is not a man to gripe and moan
He reckons his fielding makes us look a little less than lame
Although no one can recall, he once took three catches in a game
He loves a curry and aspires to be Steve Ginger Jay
He’d like to go to a lap dancing club until night turned to day
Private batting lessons from Ponting with a big lottery win
Smoking too many cigars is his worst habit which he just cannot bin
He’d replace Pieterson 'cause “I’m better looking” he said somewhat riled
And don’t tell the others that I’m really David Gower's secret love child
He told me I knew how long it is which really filled me with fears
And he only uses it annually when Nicky has had a few beers.
Eike Jeffrey Gilbert at 28 and a healthy 16 stone
Is not a boy to gripe and moan
Batting and bowling and motivating the team
A hundred against Henley and he’ll take that with cream
He loves lasagne and Wayne Gretzky’s an ice hockey god
"A good night out with me mates" he said with a nod
With a big lottery win he’d buy a supercharged fast car
Out would go Flintoff, as his body is better by far
His worst habit is sleeping with the gorgeous Steve Jay
“Don’t tell the others that I enjoy it but I assure you I’m not gay”
“Comparing it to what? But I suppose it's not very long
And I abuse it far too often which I know is very wrong.”
William James Sly at 44 and 12 stone
Is a man to gripe and moan
Four wickets for six runs when he was only 16
A good healthy curry and 15 pints keep him lean
Sir Ian Botham’s an idol 'cause he smoked the gear
"Out with the lads, no change that 'cause Sheila will be here"
"A ticket to paradise" he said with a groan
His worst habit is he does love a moan
Out would go Broad, his lack of experience means he freezes
He didn’t say much but it involved some dodgy sexual diseases
Seven inches is about right and he uses it daily for pleasure
Sheila told me she saw it once but it was not to that length of measure.
Steve Thorne at 21 and 13.4 stone
Is not a man to gripe and moan
He lied about his age 'cause you must look a little deeper
I laughed out loud at his suggestion he was our wicket keeper
He scored 116 not out once, which must have taken him quite a bit
And he admires Geoff Boycott 'cause of his Yorkshire grit
A curry with the lads preceded by many beers
A much bigger house and some much smaller ears
Not taking anything serious is a bad habit on the rise
Out would go Prior 'cause Steve’s more stylish at conceding byes
He once ran the London marathon when he was at his peak
Its 30 metres long and he uses it once a week.
Andrew Shaw at 46 and a precise 14.2 stone
Is not a man to gripe and moan
“Specialist slow bowler and batting a bit I would say”
Six wickets against Tanworth but losing spoilt the day
“I love a big steak,” he said with a gleam
Lance Armstrong for his tenacity and fitness regime
Loads of beers with the boys and a hot curry to make you cry
With a big lottery win he’d track down a red 1987 Escort XR3i
Snoring’s his worst habit, his missus says he’s a git
"Out would go Monty" 'cause Shawy reckons he can actually turn it
Greenhouse glass in his right ankle, he kept it so discreet
He fields in specialist cricket boots that are made of concrete
It's 15 miles long and he’s a five times a week man
If anyone can handle that length Shawy’s Michelle certainly can.
Steve Ginger Jay at 29 and 12 stone
Is not a man to gripe and moan
I think he got his age and weight round the wrong way
And although he’s fond of Eike he doesn’t think he is gay
When they shared a hotel room they were told it was a twin
“Don’t worry, we’ll push the beds together” he said with a grin
His specialist roles are almost too many for us to maintain
Cheer leader, journalist, all rounder, team manager, groundsman and vice cap-i-tain
His cricket is so very often bust or boom
All the wickets and the runs at the Temple of Gloom
Any sort of curry after 15 pints of Carling
Finished off with a busty blonde who’s a bit of a darling
When he asked God if his ideal partner would look like the gorgeous rose
God said “you’ve got no chance son, yours will look like you, fat and bald with a big nose”
For the birds and the cars it has to be Jensen Button
He’d like to pull a leg of lamb but so often ends up with mutton
If he won the lottery he’d purchase the island of Phuket
And offer gainful employment to all the women who would forever be in his debt
His very worst habit is pulling far too many birds
But the lads think it’s the noises from his mouth that are sometimes called words
Out would go Flintoff and in would come Jay
But only if he could write the report the very next day
He told me he's a virgin and that’s not one of his lies
And as we’ve never seen him with a bird that comes as no surprise
He states its 12 inches long when it’s folded in half
And he can’t use it too often as he keeps it wrapped around his calf.
Stuart Norris at 25 and 13.9 stone
Is not a boy to gripe and moan
New to the team and the potential is there
He’s not had a successful moment yet to be fair
Give me a Mexican and Michael Jordan for his reach
Sinking a few beers in the sun on the beach
A safe for the winning lottery ticket just to be sure
Having a tantrum in every game he needs to cure
Strauss needs more aggression and would have to fall
No one else knows but he just loves netball
He hopes it’s still growing 'cause it’s only 3” long
And he does it 25 times a month while singing a song.
Leon Clarke at 52 and a trim 12 stone
Is not a man to gripe and moan
"To make up the numbers" he states is his role on the pitch
His greatest moment was four wickets against Long Itch
His favourite food is Southern Comfort with a dash
His best night out, anywhere on the lash
With a big lottery win a Caribbean holiday in the making
He’s got no bad habits he just loves ironing and baking
He’d replace KP 'cause “that bloke's South African and all that,
I’m more British than him and I’m a better bat”
He almost drowned in the sea when he was a small boy
It’s 12 inches long and "30 times a month" he said rather coy.
David Oldfield at 23 and 12 stone
Is not a boy to gripe and moan
His role is to get the opposition off to the best possible start
His winning six against Claverdon his best cameo part
Being from up north he just loves Betty’s hotpot
David Nugent’s the best, class is what he’s got
"A few beers and shots, a club and a kebab with me mates"
Off to Australia if a lottery win rates
Nicking the duvet in bed off his bird
Out would go Broad, "although I do like him" was his last word
Apparently something we all don’t know is that he can actually bat
And we all know that’s as true as Jordan's chest being flat
Average and about average was his answer to eleven
If average was Leon, then Lisa would be in heaven.
The season in brief
Newly promoted and it’s the start of the new season
Could we compete at this level or give in for that reason
Matty Page was transferred to Bidford 'cause socks he cooks
Oldfield and Smith signed on deadline day to balance the books
And so Dad's Army took to the field to the sound of sneers
The watchers who just watch and drink their beers
Loss followed loss and we were not up for the battle
We needed to play positive cricket and cages must rattle
We lost Graham Sly to foot and mouth, a batsman who was key
But Alex “grinder” Smith played superbly to justify his transfer fee
Norton Lindsey were the first to fall by the wayside
And suddenly we believed and played with some pride
Smashed for 49 off 3 overs and as losers we were lame
Then chased down 296 to win a most famous game
With Shawy hooping nicely and Gilbert’s all round displays
It made up for most of Ginger's Teflon non-stick days
Fourth in the league and then back in a dog fight
"Bring in the youth" were the watchers' calls of fright
But remember that watchers watch and don’t take to the field
Dad's Army’s not weak and they would not yield
Without containment bowler Steve Jay, who strained and sprained another body part
“you never lose it son” being a big tart
Dave Oldfield bowled his Bertie Bassett ball to very good effect
And Clive played a blinder to re-gain the selectors' respect
Steve Thorne held on to some fantastic catches
And Billy Sly was actually sober in a couple of the matches
Leon got better as the season went on
Vickers was here one day and the next gone
Performing on sticky dogs and tossing we must improve
Believing in our own ability and playing in a groove
We’ve dropped a few catches and Clive even volleyed one into the crowd
We’ve been polite and gentlemanly and sometimes quite loud
We’ve been smashed to all parts and bowled neck and crop
The king of slip catching has become King Jay the drop
The opposition, lacking respect, often sledged out an ability warning
But forgot we can always play cricket next week, but they will still be ugly on Sunday morning
For form is temporary and class is permanent we have shown
And proudly we stand together this team that has grown
Tight on the field and even tighter in the bar
You won't best us near and you won't best us far
Because we laugh when we win and we laugh when we lose
Sometimes we’re at it and sometimes we just cruise
And when it came to the crunch we smashed the last two teams to bits
Not bad for 40 something, fat, bald, misfits.
My thanks and congratulations
Congratulations to Graham and all his boys in the seconds
And with the mix of youth and experience Division 4 soon beckons
My congratulations to the youth set up, the first team should be their goals
And to all of Dad's Army for whom the bell tolls
My love to Jacky and Taylor for producing more fantastic teas
Our thanks to Adrian for the chicken wings and the cheese
He is not our father buts he’s definitely a mother
But as the clubs biggest bar steward we would have no other
Our thanks to all those who act behind the scenes
Accountancy, grass cutting and repairing machines
To the VP’s who have dug deep during the credit crunch
To the keeper of sheep who sells fine houses over a spot of lunch
To all the guys who performed with various inabilities
To the Ardencote for their sponsorship and superb facilities
To the lads in the squad who gave their very best
My thanks to Baldrick, Naz, Tommy Smith and the rest
To my friend and chief tormentor, a huge thanks to Steve Rowington Jay
Whose hard work in all facets allows me to simply captain on the day
To all the physios, landlords and dieticians for what they have taught
Our thanks to spandex, lycra and tubular bondage support
On equalling the club's best ever standing let's raise a beer
The heart beat of this club is strong thanks to everyone here
So if you aspire to leg glance or googly with various seams
Then once again we have proved the only place to play cricket is Rowington's Theatre of Dreams."
Tuesday, 27 October 2009
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