To tide everyone over until next season, below is Brian Bywater's parody of a typical Steve Jay match report from the 2006 annual dinner.

Colourful Jay on song again

Saturday saw another glorious hot summer day at the “Theatre of Dreams”, Rowington, where the outfield and wicket again looked magnificent thanks to the ground's maintenance work supervised and completed by Steve “Rouse” Jay. He expertly put the finishing touches to the six hours work already completed by Brian Taylor and Bill Sly by marking out his run up and carrying the stumps out to the middle.

Skipper Haywood, using a lucky coin supplied by Steve “Paul Daniels” Jay, won the toss and, on the advice of Steve “Brearley” Jay, elected to bat.

After a somewhat slow start between Haywood and Jefferson, 60 off the first 7 overs, Steve “Hare” Jay took up umpiring duties and soon had both openers back in the pavilion - LBW to the right arm round the wicket leg spinner, the type of difficult umpiring decisions most village umpires would be unprepared to make. Rowington continued to slowly build an innings but at 150 for 5 off 20 overs, it was becoming obvious a major innings would be required somewhere in the lower order.

It was at 220 for six, with 20 overs remaining, that Steve “Pieterson” Jay strode to the wicket. It was only his cool persona that enabled him to take control of the situation and help resolve this fumbling batting display. By cleverly fielding the strike he was able to carefully play and miss at most of the deliveries bowled but took short singles as required to retain the strike and continue his match saving innings.

G Sly & Danny Chinn will, however, have to look to their sprinting laurels if they are to avoid similar run outs in the future. Steve “Cowdrey” Jay continued to majestically cover drive through third man and hook over the wicket keeper's head, until he was harshly judged to have been caught out at backward point off the searing pace of the 11 year old fill in, 5th change bowler.

But with the score at 233, in 15 productive overs Steve “Atherton” Jay had already built a likely match winning total with a magnificent 8. Shaw and W Sly batted out the final 5 overs, Rowington eventually totalling 282. Rogers 80, Bywater 62, also batted.

At the interval players were lavishly entertained to a sumptuous tea prepared by Steve “Ramsey” Jay. The fresh potatoes grown in Steve “Titchmarsh” Jay's allotment had been cooked to perfection and even the job lot of corned beef secured by Steve “Arthur Daley” Jay from the local dogs' home tasted superb.

It was now, of course, time for Steve “Harmison” Jay to show another side of his all round cricketing ability. Taking the new ball he and his slower opening partner Gilbert soon had the visitors in trouble. Whilst Gilbert continually frustrated the openers by missing the outside edge of the bat, Steve “Phil Taylor" Jay made sure they played their shots by hitting the centre of the bat with every delivery and was desperately unlucky not to have batsmen caught out at all parts of the ground.

In his frustration in not being able to set the correct field to Steve “Botham” Jay's fine attacking bowling, skipper Haywood was obliged to remove Steve “Dolly out the Pram” Jay from the attack but, with the score at 120 off 14 overs, Steve “Monet” Jay had already made his impression. Gilbert continued without success, struggling without his able colleague and finishing with a disappointing 10 overs 0 for 12.

Whilst others took up the bowling duties, Steve “Collingwood” Jay took up normal fielding duties and managed to save a number of 2s from his position at slip but the visitors were able to make inroads towards the Rowington score.

It was during this ponderous period of play that Steve “Olga Korbutt” Jay displayed more of his athletic prowess. A gentle forward defensive saw the ball turn and catch the shoulder of the bat, and lop wickedly towards the waiting gully fielder, Steve “Linford Christie” Jay was able to sprint the three paces required and then leap and dive gazelle style to claim yet another outstanding catch in front of the startled Harben.

With the end of the game in sight at 200 for 8 with six overs remaining the visitors were getting dangerously close to their 284 target and it was time for Steve “Batman” Jay to be returned to the attack and save the game. The visitors took up the challenge of Steve “Paxman” Jay's probing bowling, quickly getting to 261 with one over remaining but down to the last wicket.

With 23 to win and one wicket required, Steve “The Gladiator” Jay versus his early 11 year old tormentor, could he get his revenge? First ball up, a fiery beamer that thudded off the bewildered batter's helmet, down to the fine leg boundary. This, however, was harshly called a no ball, simply for being a little over pitched. 19 off 6 required. Another bouncer next ball was crudely hit over mid wicket deep into the adjoining gardens. Unfortunately it went so far even Baldrick's dog was unable to retrieve it. More scrambled shots and frantic fielding saw the visitors requiring 6 off the last ball.

Who was going to be the match winning hero, Steve “Calzaghe” Jay or 11 year old fill in Wendy “The Girl Guide” Smith?

Whilst the rest of the team considered that a full length in-swinging Yorker on leg stump was required, Steve “Aristotle” Jay had other ideas and decided another bouncer was required. A forgivable length error saw Wendy Smith dance down the wicket, unhindered by her over sized pads, and slog the ball over cover point towards the pavilion. She had fallen for his old three card trick and was caught by a brilliant one handed leaping catch (Jay style) by Chinn on the boundary, who in the process probably saved the pavilion clock from complete destruction.

Game over, Shaw 5 for 21, F Sly 3 for 16 also bowled, keeper Cauthery with 5 catches and two stumpings looked out of sorts and may find himself seconds bound next week, but another match winning performance by Ginger “Federer” Jay. 10 overs, 0 maidens, 1 for 146.